A Well Calculated Snowball Effect

Shame is one powerful emotion, the dictionary describes it as

a. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace http://www.thefreedictionary.com/shame.

The dictionary uses the word or, I am going to use and, because from experience I know that the enemy combines them to make a deadly concoction, one that he has used over and over again simply because he knows that when used cunningly these four emotions can be used to wipe out even the strongest Christian.

In my life it started with a drawing on a piece of wood.

I was about nine or maybe a little younger the first time I remember experiencing Shame.

I was forced to see what people thought should be our shame. As children we do not notice the physical flaws of our parents, all we know is daddy or in my case mommy, we learn their voice, their laugh, their cough, their footsteps, even what they smell like. I knew that my mom loved me, took care of me and would do anything to protect me. She went to work every day, came home did some things around the house, made sure our school work was done, laughed with and at us, went to bed, got up the next day and did it all over again. I had never even noticed that she looked different than everyone I knew. I will never forget the day that all changed. On this particular day I came home and opened the right side of the two green doors that led to the foyer of the apartment building we lived in. I had opened this door, who knows how many times, but this day was different, as I opened the door I looked smack into a picture of a monkey with a very defined cleft lip and the words cutlip written in big black letters on the wood that had replaced a broken window. You see my mother was born with no upper lip, you know how you see pictures of the little kids in the magazine who have distorted lips and the sponsor is asking you to donate money to help them, well hers was like that. As the story was told to me, the doctors "fixed" it the best they could when she was young. So now she had one but it was still distorted.

I have never shared this with any of my siblings or anyone else for that matter until now. Oh I am sure my mom knew that I felt this way, because she knew me almost as well as I knew myself if not better. Still she loved me unconditionally, never once did she treat me any differently. As a matter of fact, I think I was her favorite (don't tell my siblings that I said that). I can still remember the shameI felt as a young adult when I realized that I had allowed my brothers friends (I found out later that they were the ones who drew the picture) to cause me to be embarrassed by how my mother looked, then I became ashamed of her being a maid, then I was ashamed that she was not married, then ashamed that she didn't know how to drive, ashamed that we wore clothes given to us from the people she worked for (not realizing that they were better than the ones we could afford to buy) it was the beginning of A Well Calculated Snowball Effect (WCSE) orchestrated by the enemy of my soul.

Today as I think back, I wonder what my mom felt like when she walked through those doors. Knowing my mother like I do, she was probably more concerned with knowing that her children had to see this and how would she protect us from the shame and embarrassment that she most likely endured every day of her life. Because as we all know the enemy doesn't care about us at all, he could care less about our emotions or how young we are when they are infected. We must always be mindful that he just wants to make sure he can keep us as far away from the Healer as possible. But we must press. (remember the woman with the issue of blood in the bible)

Often we walk around carrying the emotional baggage (shame, embarrassment, guilt and disgrace) of things that we allowed others to impose on us yesterday or yesteryear. We have also been known at times to not only carry our own baggage (as if that is not heavy enough) but sometimes unknowingly and sometimes knowingly (more the latter) we carry that of others (children, spouses, siblings, parents, even friends) also. As it is said hindsight is always 20/20. I know better now, BUT, this is where the WCSEcomes in.

Let us take a look at the WCSE used on me.

I walked around for ten or more years embarrassedabout something that I had no reason to be embarrassed about, then somewhere in those ten years I became a born again believer, and I realize that I had no reason to feel this way, but, I never fully allowed the unconditional love of God to heal that wound caused by the WCSE which started to be used on me as a child, now I feltguilty for feeling that way, so now I have to deal with unmerited guilt, then that guilt lead to me feeling unworthy of being loved by my mother, God or anyone else for that matter, which in the long run lead to self-doubt, self-neglect, low self-esteem , depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide just to name a few, then I felt like I was a disgrace to my family, before and even after marriage, (even though until they read this they never even knew I felt this way). I purposely did not use periods as punctuation, I wanted it to run-on and on because that is how the WCSE worked, one thing on top of the other, until I was so overwhelmed, I was an emotional mess for over thirty years. All of this from a drawing on a piece of wood.

A Well Calculated Snowball Effect.

Do you see how the enemy can take something as stupid as a drawing by some teenager all those years ago to hold me captive in a "cell" for years?

The devil is cunning, he works all day and all night to keep you in his grips. He knows he is doomed and lost forever, so, even before we become Christians he is working on a master plan, a WCSEto keep from experiencing the love of God. Because he knows once we really experience it, he will not be able to keep up under his control. The scripture warns us that he is out looking for us.

1 Peter 5:8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.

Have you ever been bullied by someone? What do you do? Man, you keep an eye out for them, you don’t go where you know or even think they may be. You strategize every time you go out of the house on how not to be caught by them. Then one day you decide that you are sick and tired of this, because you realize that it is taking more to avoid or hide from the bully then it does to face him. YOU decide that I am not going to take it anymore, I have got to deal with this once and for all. You still strategize but now you are working on how to deal with this person when you meet face to face.

I had to deal with the deep depression that the WCSE of the enemy had put me in. But, because I choose to live a life of freedom, I have had to work (pray, fast, study the word, speak to myself) not to fall back into a deep depression (may I add while sitting in church, that is for another time).

We all have seen those westerns where the prisoner happens to have a friend who brings them a chisel or something that can be used to free them, and they work diligently at chiseling away at their way of escape. Consider me that friend, I am here to bring you a chisel, the unconditional love of a Father. I can not promise you instant gratification, but I can promise you lasting results if you trust God. Like me you may not even be aware of or want to admit how bad off you are. Remember in the movies sometimes total freedom came quickly, they sawed a couple of times at the bar and boom cell opens immediately. Other times they had to continue to chisel and chisel before even getting a chink in the bar, at least two commercials worth of chiseling (lol), but they got out.

It took me years to deal with the pains of my past. I remember as a kid my mom telling me “I am telling you this so you don’t have to go through what I did”. Use me as your proof. It is not worth years of your life. Someone once told me that time will heal your broken heart. Take it from someone who knows from experience, the best healer of a broken heart is JESUS. Why waste all those precious moments, hours, days, weeks, months and years waiting on time to heal. Go visit Jehovah Rapha,TD (THE Doctor), its much quicker and not only does He heal, but He also forgives and forgets. He said for I am the Lord that healeth thee (you) Exodus 15:26."

Imagine yourself free, it does not have to take you as long as it did me. God is a God of His Word. He tells us to cast all our cares on Him because He cares for us. (I Peter 5:7) I know God can help you just as He did me; the issue is never with Him, but with us. So with that said. If you are ready to make a change, ready to stop the Well Calculated Snowball Effect. Why not start with this simple prayer?

"Father, I know that you made me and that you care about my well being. I am asking you right now in the name of your son Jesus, to help me; I am tired of carrying these burdens, I am tired of hiding, I am tired of feeling unworthy, I need your help today, I do not want to be locked up in the enemies cell any longer. I want a fresh start, I need a fresh start. Forgive me for all that I have done wrong , forgive me for not allowing you to carry these burdens for me and help me to forgive those who have hurt me. I know that You sent your Son and He died so that I may be free. I surrender my heart to you and ask that you take full control of my life now. Thank you for taking away my shame and giving me a new beginning."

I am not one of those Christians that's going to tell you now that you prayed you are now off limits to the devil, that he will no longer work on a plan to trip you up or to get you right back where you were or even in a worst condition. Let me tell you one thing that I know for sure, in order to stay free you have to work at it. Just like in the natural when a person is released from jail there are rules that they have to abide by in order to live free.You have to work daily on keeping yourself out of that “jail cell”.

Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

1. Read your bible everyday at first it may be hard and even boring, but trust me it gets better.

2. Take time everyday to pray, have a real conversation with God, don't try to fool or impress Him, you can't. At first you may want do all the talking, but can I suggest you practice now how to be quiet and listen for His voice, remember conversation consist of both talking and listening.

3. Stay away from the things that you know are going to suck you in, people who will constantly remind you of what you use to be, how you use to think or how so and so did this to you. They will keep you living in the past. You want to go forward. If they don’t want to support your new mindset, pray for them , but you may have to love em and leave em.

4. Speak over yourself, encourage yourself daily. Email me at bryceliz57@gmail.com, I will send you a list that I wrote for myself. Plaster it everywhere if need be.

5. Get involved in a church that is going to teach you how to understand the Word of God. DO NOT LET THE DEVIL TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN DO IT ON YOUR OWN, YOU CAN NOT, DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIE.

Thanks for reading my blog, share it with others. It will not always be so heavy. I had been "away" (lol) for so long I had just about forgot how to laugh. Laughter is good for the soul. Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength. (NLT)